gotta let your soulshine....

better than sunshine, better than moonshine, damn sure better than rain.
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Nah, he never said it, but he would've if he'd thought about it. Maybe I should'a said it to him.
Hell, what chance did he have? His pa was a drunk that would hop a train without notice and be gone for weeks. His ma passed when he was a kid and his step-ma was known to play the piano and sing those good ol' gospel songs when she was too drunk to stand up.
So what do you want?
He could be very stern about some things, but.....
I have a guy I work with, his dad used to keep him out of school and would work him and his brother like dogs on a construction project. Hmm, he's been known to take us out of school and make a day out of going to Six Flags, or fishing, especially if the crappy were biting.
Always the dreamer, taught me that. Had a vision to go to Australia once. Wanted to move to the country, lots. Ma wouldn't have it. Small towns is the best she would do. Smart too, could do math in his head faster than I could do it with a calculator. Knew the Bible better than ANYONE I EVER knew.
Good looking guy as well, even with that damn dead thing on his head.
Was a hero for a long time for me. I saw a few glimpses of his humanity, but he kept that to himself mostly.
Always a playful scamp, I'm sure to the end. Kind of wish I'd been somewhere closer then. Wish he would have had someone who really cared with him when he cashed out. But, he had to have things his way. Regardless. I guess he taught me that as well. Make your own choices, good or bad, but live with them. No one runs your life. But you don't have anyone to blame either.
So, yea, I got a tattoo that makes folks wonder. They probably don't understand. Good ol' Alabama White Trash. He wouldn't have been mad, he would've laughed. Be who you are, regardless. Live your life, you won't live forever, but then again, would you really want to? Not here.
I guess we all get one real love in our lives and somehow we are hell bent to lose it. He did. He ran with more, but he loved one. So when that's gone, when the love is really gone, what do you have left? He didn't think he had anything. No matter what anybody thinks, walk in his shoes for a bit.
I was pissed, like the others when I found out, but I refused to live thinking of him that way. Instead, I insisted on reminding myself of, the water trick I need to pass on. The funny things he did, said. The enormous heart he had. He would do anything for a stranger, could've robbed him blind and he wouldn't have cared. Loved women beyond... beyond.
Here's to you, my old man. I still think of you, often, mostly good. I guess that is the only legacy needed, to have someone think well of you after you are gone.
Happy 75th Birthday! Hope things are better for you these days. See you.........

Happiness Is Fleeting?

I know, I know, that ain't the quote.
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But I'll say it again, happiness is fleeting.
Alot of people believe that. But what about the person who carries it with them?

Years ago there was this "squid" as they called them then. He fell in love and married a woman who was pregnant, not his. She delivered a wonderful baby girl and the couple had three more, two more beautiful girls and a fine son. As happens in this world, the couple fell apart. The children still quite devoted to them both. As time went on, this good man ran across an old (not in years) friend, also divorced with four mostly grown children of her own. The two had felt that it was the long friendship that had passed the test of time that had brought them together. Funny enough, she even asked me for my thoughts on the issue of marriage. I only knew good things about him. One test is to discover how those kids felt about him. They love him dearly. What's the question? Will he be good to her, no one doubted. Will he take care of her, no one doubted. Will he love her, no one doubted. What no one could have known, was the total effect he would have on every one in the family. He would set the bar to an unreachable height. Surely no one could challenge his affection for not just her but for the new addition to the family. Her children would only end up with a taste of what his own children had grown up with. Is he perfect, nah, maybe. Does he do everything right, surely not, maybe. Does he epitomize........Dad? Yes. How could we have imagined how happy, fufilled and....and ....spoiled our mother could be? You have a problem with a man loving another man? Forget you. I love this man for many other reasons than the fact that he made my mothers' last 27 years a fairytale existence. Where as far as I was aware, she was the happiest that she had ever desired. He raised our baby sister and turned her into the loving person she is now. Perfect, maybe not, but.......with a heart of gold. And the rest of us, already out of the house, had our own lives touched by the tall, thin man, with the soft, quiet way of penetrating your heart that is just........his way. If he ever said no......it was hard to realize........because he always has a way of making things right. There is no way to repay, the gift he has been. We can only hope to pay it forward, to others that we touch. To always give without thought of recompense, to give because........... To always give, maybe not what is requested, but to give what is needed, what is right. I could go on and on. Suffice it to say, I love you Pa and I only wish that I could touch the gift that you are.
Happy Valentine's Day to the man I love and respect above all others.
And.......thanks.

This is tough.........

Another Birthday
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She was born, in what I'm thinking is still, a small southwestern Georgia town. Her parents were a man that I can only say, must have been pretty decent, I have the flag that draped his coffin on my dresser. I've seen one picture of him, I also have that. A rather stern looking man, but hey, he went through the depression and the first "BIG" war, so maybe he had a right. Her mom, no one could be that short but to be of Irish descent and to be so full of love, from what I have always called the huggiest bunch of folks ever. I used to tell folks, she'd hug Charles Manson and tell him she loved him......and mean it.
Anyway, she was born with a bit of a challenge and she lost that dad of hers less than a year after her birth. I think that is where she got it.
Toughest ol' girl (boy, she'd appreciate that) I ever knew. Toughest anybody I ever knew. Her birth troubles left her with a bit of a half smile. She hated that, but I liked it. She never thought much of her looks, but I feel that the youngest pic of her, looks alot like the last pic of her, as they say, "bettern decent".
She had a boy that was the apple of her eye and was always her favorite and rightly so, caused her much less concern than maybe the others. Lots like her and that's a good thing.
Then came another challenge.......me. Hard and sometimes cold, always difficult. Went though the largest military cargo plane on earth once and she told the guide, "give that boy a screwdriver and a pair of pliars and this thing will be completely tore down tomorrow." But there was a time when this ol' boy would drop by and take her to eat. Once in one of her favorite places to eat, where she knew everybody in the place, we had lunch. I had chicken fried steak with potatoes and Louisiana hot sauce on top. She asked me if it was hot and I said, nah, I just like the taste. Quick a lightening her finger was in my gravy and back into her mouth. Then her face got red and she was telling everybody, "this boy lied to me, why did you lie to me?" I will never forget that. There is a scene in one of my favorite Christmas movies. After the kid has a bit of a trying day, the mom walks by him sitting at the table and brushes her hand across his arm. I regret, that for whatever reason, that we didn't have that.
Then she had a daughter, oh man a good kid, but not exactly a lady (sorry sis, haha). She wasn't quite the outgoing type who would set you to worrying though and can tell her own stories.
Then she lost a handsome little man and we almost lost her. But at the height of her misery, we all received quite the wonderful surprise. This little girl completed the family. She is still the baby, these years later, and much the image and deportment of her mom.
Later in life she would have other challenges, cancer, stroke. I will never forget standing at the head of her bed in the emergency room when the doc raised the sheet from the foot and exclaimed, "wow, you got anything left!" The scars of a lifetime of struggle.
I was there her last night on earth. And as usual, we fought all night. I didn't know what she was saying, but I do know, she meant it. She wore me out......one last time. Still a fighter after all she had been through.
I tried to keep this as short as possible, how can you skip everything? Merely touched on some of the notable parts. I know she never liked birthdays, used to fuss if anybody said anything. But after a life of taking everything that was thrown at her and living until she was ready to go, I have to say........Happy Birthday Mom! The strongest person I ever knew, and thanks for..............everything.
Love and miss you always.

Old Hat

Yea, the timing is bad, but................
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Yea, I know what you are gonna be thinking, but, as I said, when it hits, I will write.

I have to bring it up, last Thanksgiving was a banner one for me. I actually enjoyed my Thanksgiving Dinner at Shoney's in Monroe, La. Had a fine meal with all the trimmings, was really nice.

The next day and especially the evening was where this Story is.

I had been with my sister and her wonderful family in my mother's house, having a great time with them. My brother-in-law played a cd that my neice made of her singing and my nephew showed me a rap song he was working on, and my other neice was just a pleasure to be with. Of course my sister and brother-in-law are always great to be around, as they really impress me the way they work so hard to keep things going in spite of life being what it is.

Soon others came in, as they showed up at various times, in their own way, with their respective families, etc. in tow.

At some point, everyone had had their fill and the chairs were lined up, kind of in a circle around the living room. Everyone was talking and then, of course, old times were brought up. Of course my brother brought a story involving me and everyone got quite a chuckle out of it and the stories continued.

As I looked around the room, it hit me. I really felt that I should speak up, but.....I didn't.......I couldnt........
It occured to me......
The aunts and uncles and moms and dads............were us. We were the ones closest to the precipice. On the edge, as it were. In a way, I was proud to be here, but I wasn't sure who else might be.
The speech, as some would call it, never came.

Here it is........

As I look around this room, I see that this is the first gathering of the clan, as it were, where WE are the mothers and dads and uncles and aunts. And I'm quite proud to be a witness to the closeness and the love of all that are here. And to the ones whom are younger and maybe wouldn't notice, let me say this. What you are feeling, is FAMILY. There is no other feeling.
A wonderful, much loved, well respected matriarch of this family once told me, before I embarked on a journey that would keep me across the country, that, in the end, always remember, in the end, there is nothing......but family.
There is a favorite book, and movie. Where the matriarch of the Joad family states, with fist in hand and stern look, "we have to stick together, 'cause we are THE FAMILY".
All this in mind, I go back. And I hope, pray and very much desire, that the young people in THIS family, remember this night. And that you never forsake that order, that you HAVE to stick together, because YOU are the family. Never, Never, allow petty disagreements or anything else to separate you from each other. NOTHING will ever replace the unconditional love that you get from family. Nothing will ever help you sleep better. Nothing will ever make you feel safer.
I realize that some are scattered, I know this better than most. And I realize that you have many different types of personalities and ways of being. No matter. The blood that runs through your veins is that of mutual respect, kindheartedness, and love that can only come through family.
Know this, you will never, ever, have a friend that will come closer than family.
Some celebrations have drawn a gathering of much more than a houseful to my mom's abode. She worked very hard to get that place and to keep it. Honor her.....and the rest who have gone on before. Continue, without hesitation, or need of persuasion, to invite and bring food and all who will come........into my mom's house. Because, in the end, when it's all said and done, you...have to stick together, 'cause...YOU are the family.